Kwon Eunjae's Diary

 I'M PAINTING GOOD MEMORIES

i'm doing my best. i will not complain.

so please, don't you forget me

when i'm gone.

— jay kwon

★

THE BUCKET LIST

to survive hatch7 or at least until the final stage ✔

to fall in love ✔

first kiss? ✔

to have s** ✔

a date at jeju island. i wish to go with him ✔

bungee jumping (clearly just impossible but who knows?) ✔

pokemon plushies for sunny ✔

to read all rick riordan's books

to die without regrets, but i wish to live as long as i could

to spend my last day with my family and yiseong

i want to see aurora borealis with yiseong

★

31 Januari 2021

i’ve told mom everything about my condition. everything ... termasuk tentang sisa waktu hidup gua. parah ... gua bikin orang yang paling ingin gua bahagiain di dunia ini nangis sampe segitunya. gua bisa ngerasain putus asanya mom karena nggak bisa ngelakuin apa-apa buat gua, cuma nurutin omongan dokter yang taunya cuma nyuruh gua ngelakuin apa aja yang gua mau dalam sisa waktu hidup gua.

tapi, gua jadi tahu kalau mom orang paling kuat yang gua kenal. i’m very thankful to have a mom like her. gua yakin dia akan terus dukung gua, apa pun keadaannya. at least, gua masih punya waktu dan kesempatan buat bahagiain mom. right? kata-kata mom masih terngiang terus di kepala gua, "jebal, kasih mom kesempatan nebus enam tahun terakhir ini. let me act properly as your mother, eunjae-ah. and you can act just like a son would do to mom."

anyway, gua sendiri masih sulit nerima kondisi gua sekarang. kejadian kemarin abis final stage masih jadi mimpi buruk gua. kalau bukan karena mom, yiseong, sunny, hojin hyung, baekhwan hyung, sampai nian yang hari ini dateng jenguk gua, barangkali bakal sulit gua ngalihin pikiran.

other than that, gua juga khawatir sama kondisi pinggang yiseong

★

1 Februari 2021

i don’t really remember what i did today. rasanya gua cuma tidur terus seharian. feels like my mind and body were floating all day. kadang gua sadar, kadang nggak. tahu-tahu yiseong udah balik dan hari udah malam. waktu lewat gitu aja tanpa gua tahu apa-apa. well, it supposed to be like that, but still, i think it kinda scares me.

what if i fell asleep unconsciously and never get up again?

i'm scared ...

★

2 Februari 2021

i finally apologized to eunha properly. i hope she really forgave me for what i did in the past. in the end, we are twins, aren't we? meski enam tahun ternyata cukup bikin kami merasa seperti orang asing dengan satu sama lain, but we still have time to fix it right?

i wish.

i really wish i have enough time.

★

13 Februari 2021

hari ini manajer lee bawa dua boks (seukuran boks sepatu) penuh surat penggemar. setelah yang terjadi kemarin waktu live instagram sama yiseong, surat-surat penggemar bener-bener membantu bikin gua ngerasa lebih baik. still, gua masih cemas dan takut bakal ada surat bernada kebencian, tapi tampaknya surat-surat ini udah disortir dulu. ada lebih banyak yang care sama gua daripada yang benci. but still, why do some people want me dead?

why do they hate me?

★

14 Februari 2021

i think it's safe to say that today is a good day. i don't really celebrate valentine's day tho, and i'm in the hospital, and yiseong is kinda busy today. but, daeshim hyung datang jenguk! more than that, daeshim hyung bawain gua burger! it's one of my comfort food and i'm craving it for the longest time!

and then, manajer lee ngasih tau gua kalau empire dan qq star mau kolaborasi ngedebutin gua sama yiseong! mereka juga udah siapin jadwal buat gua, v-live dan youtube channel resmi buat gua!

it's crazy, isn't it?!

i thought it was over for me?!

it's too good to be true! i hope it was not a dream!

★

15 Februari 2021

i feel a lot better, and happy that i discharged from hospital today. pulang ke dorm empire, sempet nyariin hyeon (lupa anak itu berhasil dapat line debut di hatch7). sisa tiga malam di dorm ini sebelum gua pindah ke apartemen yiseong.

i'm so gonna miss this place and my dongsaengs.

mudah-mudahan malam terakhir di sini gua cukup kuat untuk masak makan malam buat mereka.